Love is such a hard thing to truly grasp and completely accept. It means being completely vulnerable. It means allowing yourself to be free. It means exposing your fears and your insecurities. It is, by far, the most uncomfortable emotion I have ever endured. Despite all of this I continue to allow myself to keep going back to it. There's no escape, and even though I truly, with all that is in me hate it, I know that it is what truly defines me.
There is something about the combination of pain and joy and fear that draws me to relationships and love. Sometimes I think it's some emotional form of masochism. Maybe because of the sudden death of my father less than a year after my grandmother, and hiding from everything that came with it for so long, I no longer know how to hide from love. I truly believe I'm incapable of only allowing a portion of myself care about someone or something. It's all or nothing. I'm in or I'm out. I either don't know you, or I love you. You either get nothing from me, or I give you everything.
It's a dangerous, frightening, and heart wrenching situation to constantly put myself in, and why? I wish I knew the answer. All I know is that when I truly care about someone I can feel it in everything I do and everything that is in me. I's a constant fight, but it's something I've come to accept. I've accepted that some people will embrace it, and me, and others will take advantage of it. Some see it as a weakness. While I don't know how or why I allow myself to go through this day in and day out, what I do know is that I've never met anyone capable of living with so much love and so much heartbreak.
Allowing myself to love completely is a burden. But it's a beautiful burden, and I choose to bare it.
